The Third Shift

  1. Asked whether he now regretted his years of smoking and drinking, thought to be the cause of the disease, Douglas replied: “No. Because without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV [human papillomavirus], which actually comes about from cunnilingus.” Douglas, the husband of Catherine Zeta Jones, continued: “I did worry if the stress caused by my son’s incarceration didn’t help trigger it. But yeah, it’s a sexually transmitted disease that causes cancer. And if you have it, cunnilingus is also the best cure for it.”

    Scientifically dubious (a sidebar dismisses this as a nice way to diminish the effect of smoking), so this is just a nice way for Douglas to say, “Well, I get to go down on Catherine Zeta-Jones and you don’t.”

    That said, it’s not a terrible brag once you’ve survived cancer.

    Michael Douglas: oral sex caused my cancer | Film |

  2. while grabbing Charmin off the shelf at the grocery store.

    • R:
      I've noticed you like the expensive stuff.

    • me:
      Life's too short for single-ply.